An Essay: Mom Guilt

The day always starts with such sweet tenderness hearing you ask for Mommy and Daddy, singing the ABCs or talking to your bunnies. Dawn is just breaking and the excitement and anticipation for the day is fresh, but work calls and so does rushing out the door. Usually with no time for breakfast - yes, you will eat at school! Guilt. 

We arrive at school and most days you're excited to see your friends. As I walk past the window to your classroom to leave we wave goodbye and blow kisses. It's a short walk back to the car, but even then I start to feel anxious and let my mind wander briefly... What will you do today? Will they love on you like their own? Will you be a good friend? Do you have a friend? Am I doing the right thing leaving you there? Guilt. Some days I get the dreaded call. Usually you've bumped your head and they've applied ice. You'll be ok, but may have a bruise. Guilt. 

After an hours long drive from work, I arrive back at school to pick you up hoping I get a good report from your teacher. Were you a good friend today or did you decide to go beast mode on someone and leave them with a bite? Sometimes the latter. Guilt. Once we're home it's all out until bedtime. Playing. Whining. Sometimes time out. Guilt. Dinner. Was it healthy enough? Guilt. Bath. Playing. Stories. Prayers. Bedtime. 

Once I know you're fast asleep I check on you sleeping so sweet. I just stare at you wondering what did you experience today that I don't know about? Did you have a good day? Did we have enough Mommy and Daddy time? Guilt.  As I lay in bed my heart hurts. When will you start to remember that I got upset at you for not listening? Can I wake you up for just one more kiss? I guess I'll have to wait until dawn breaks. The mom guilt: so unbearably, heartbreakingly palpable all the time. And starts so early.