Truth

I've been inspired by a good friend to come back to this space that I love so dearly. Why do I love it so dearly? I've always enjoyed the process. When I was younger I always kept a journal. Recently I've gone back and read some of them and it's interesting to see what was in your heart at that time. I see this space as such and I've been really feeling that void of letting go of what's on my heart. I'm one of those people that turn inward when there is a lot going on in the universe. Some may call it avoid, and yes I would too. Avoid, avoid until it bubbles over. Or avoid, avoid until you're ready to shed. Ready to live your truth.

So, what's been on my heart. Truth. Life. Future. Presence. So many weighty words to be honest. But let's start here: Life. No, not the "life" kind you see on social media. You know where someone just says "ugh, ya know... life" with some asinine emoji. Life as in the literal term. The story begins last September when we thought we were expecting, but ended up having a blighted ovum which is basically just an empty sac. It was shocking at the time and we were disappointed, but I honestly was ok with what had happened. More than anything I felt insensitive to the women who were actually experiencing "real" miscarriages. I almost felt like why would I even say anything because it wasn't "real". Nothing was actually present. Fast forward to March and we thought we were expecting again. I had our confirmation appointment scheduled for weeks. We were obviously nervous, but excited, but nervous, but excited. After getting checked in and going through all the basics with the nurse before going back to the ultrasound room, I honestly had a bad feeling in my gut. It all felt off, but I was trying to stay positive. The bottom line is it's never good news when the doctor calls in for backup support! We did see a fetus, but there was no heartbeat. And to my further surprise, I thought I was only 7 weeks along, but it was actually measuring 12 weeks. Why am I putting this all out there? It's my truth. I was actually numb when we left our appointment. The utter disappointment was overwhelming. And the only image I had playing over and over again in my head was seeing the spine clearly on the monitor. There was a lot to unwrap, but the first for me was how, as a woman, can you be so wrong about your own body. I'm not sure this is a story that's being told because I'm not even sure it's happening that much. I think I actually spoke what I've always thought about myself into reality which is I'm not in tune with my body, and it was confirmed. To be so off on my dates and timing was just...just...just. No words. The appointment was on a Monday and our D&C was scheduled for Friday. I'll let you read between all those lines, but needless to say it was a very long, awkward, weird, agonizing week of living with my truth. Miscarriage. No heartbeat. Starting over. You get it. It's taken me a long time I feel like to really grasp what's happened and the permanent mark its left on my heart. You know how people list off what's happened in their life? Like: 3 kids, 10 moves, 3 homes, a dog, blah blah? I don't need a list, but it is interesting when you do take stock... welcomed 1 spunky adorable little boy, bought a home we love, said goodbye to a dog, said goodbye to a parent, grieved 1.5 miscarriages. Taking stock. Living in your truth. No one talks about having a miscarriage. It's an awkward terrible thing to talk about, but your fellow people - your fellow women - are out here living this alone. Yes, it's personal, but it's just as common as actually having a baby. We have to break the stigma. I've held my own research study and have mentioned it a handful of times in conversation and let. me. tell. you. Muddy waters folks. But it's my truth.

We're moving on and up, and feeling very grateful for our sweet little pumpkin pie that continues to bring so much joy and happiness to our lives. We are blessed. Not hashtag blessed, just the kind that really shines bright from within.

Easter 2019