An Essay: Mom Guilt

The day always starts with such sweet tenderness hearing you ask for Mommy and Daddy, singing the ABCs or talking to your bunnies. Dawn is just breaking and the excitement and anticipation for the day is fresh, but work calls and so does rushing out the door. Usually with no time for breakfast - yes, you will eat at school! Guilt. 

We arrive at school and most days you're excited to see your friends. As I walk past the window to your classroom to leave we wave goodbye and blow kisses. It's a short walk back to the car, but even then I start to feel anxious and let my mind wander briefly... What will you do today? Will they love on you like their own? Will you be a good friend? Do you have a friend? Am I doing the right thing leaving you there? Guilt. Some days I get the dreaded call. Usually you've bumped your head and they've applied ice. You'll be ok, but may have a bruise. Guilt. 

After an hours long drive from work, I arrive back at school to pick you up hoping I get a good report from your teacher. Were you a good friend today or did you decide to go beast mode on someone and leave them with a bite? Sometimes the latter. Guilt. Once we're home it's all out until bedtime. Playing. Whining. Sometimes time out. Guilt. Dinner. Was it healthy enough? Guilt. Bath. Playing. Stories. Prayers. Bedtime. 

Once I know you're fast asleep I check on you sleeping so sweet. I just stare at you wondering what did you experience today that I don't know about? Did you have a good day? Did we have enough Mommy and Daddy time? Guilt.  As I lay in bed my heart hurts. When will you start to remember that I got upset at you for not listening? Can I wake you up for just one more kiss? I guess I'll have to wait until dawn breaks. The mom guilt: so unbearably, heartbreakingly palpable all the time. And starts so early.

Friday's Fuel

First off, thank you so much for the outpouring of love from my last post. I honestly feel lighter from finally shedding that and standing in the light. It takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to be honest which has been on my heart recently since watching Brene Brown's Netflix special - The Call to Courage. If you don't know what I'm talking about you must go watch or use your sister's Netflix login. My sister called to tell me I HAD to watch because "you know we're the same, so you're going to love it." And well, darn it, she was right. I laughed and cried. It is amazing. Maybe even transformative. The message is clear - it takes vulnerability to be courageous. To stand in the light. To put yourself in the ring. To show up. To put yourself in uncomfortable situations that allow your true self to grow and shine. It's tough when different seasons of your life are upon you to feel like you aren't just letting life pass you by. I know that's how I'm currently feeling. The day to day can start to be a drag - wake up, rush out, drive an hour, work, work work, drive an hour, rush, eat, sleep. The last few months have left me feeling like maybe I am just taking a back seat. Maybe I do need to be vulnerable and adjust and reassess.  We can't be brave enough to stop letting life pass us by without vulnerability. So, enough about that. Just go watch it!

Let's get to today's Friday Fuel...

one | Speaking of vulnerability and courage I have to shout out 2 girlfriends that are standing in their own light, putting themselves out there and doing the darn thing! First, Jessica who just started a blog - The Honest Truth. She's wearing her heart on her sleeve and doing so beautifully. Go give her blog a read and join her community! And the second shout out is to my girlfriend Lauren who has been building her side hustle of Rodan + Fields into something amazing. Both of these women decided to go outside of their comfort zones and do something for themselves and I see them reaping the rewards from being courageous enough to do so! Go ladies go!

two | Mom truth... Have you ever gotten a call from the preschool to say your child has completely disrobed, diaper and all, and peed on the playground? Well, me either until yesterday. Fun times, fun times. Potty training just escalated to emergency levels.

three | Hi, I'm Anna and I have an addiction to something called an Iced Kong Fusion. It's sweetened black tea, espresso and steamed milk. Seriously don't knock it until you try it. It is amazing and life changing. I know Brene Brown would say so, haha.

four | Has anyone shopped at Target lately? Ever since we moved and are much further away from one I rarely ever go anymore, but I did manage to find my way there last weekend. Wow, ya'll! Some really cute things! I found this suppper cute jumpsuit/romper and some really cute swimsuits for George. They have really upped their game!

five | I love to see what people are buying on Amazon, and recently there have been a lot of really great things that I've added to my Amazon shopping list. Drop a comment below - what have you been buying lately?

one | two | three | four | five | six

Alright lovelies, I've so enjoyed being back in this space with you! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and a very Happy Mother's Day!

xoxo - A

Truth

I've been inspired by a good friend to come back to this space that I love so dearly. Why do I love it so dearly? I've always enjoyed the process. When I was younger I always kept a journal. Recently I've gone back and read some of them and it's interesting to see what was in your heart at that time. I see this space as such and I've been really feeling that void of letting go of what's on my heart. I'm one of those people that turn inward when there is a lot going on in the universe. Some may call it avoid, and yes I would too. Avoid, avoid until it bubbles over. Or avoid, avoid until you're ready to shed. Ready to live your truth.

So, what's been on my heart. Truth. Life. Future. Presence. So many weighty words to be honest. But let's start here: Life. No, not the "life" kind you see on social media. You know where someone just says "ugh, ya know... life" with some asinine emoji. Life as in the literal term. The story begins last September when we thought we were expecting, but ended up having a blighted ovum which is basically just an empty sac. It was shocking at the time and we were disappointed, but I honestly was ok with what had happened. More than anything I felt insensitive to the women who were actually experiencing "real" miscarriages. I almost felt like why would I even say anything because it wasn't "real". Nothing was actually present. Fast forward to March and we thought we were expecting again. I had our confirmation appointment scheduled for weeks. We were obviously nervous, but excited, but nervous, but excited. After getting checked in and going through all the basics with the nurse before going back to the ultrasound room, I honestly had a bad feeling in my gut. It all felt off, but I was trying to stay positive. The bottom line is it's never good news when the doctor calls in for backup support! We did see a fetus, but there was no heartbeat. And to my further surprise, I thought I was only 7 weeks along, but it was actually measuring 12 weeks. Why am I putting this all out there? It's my truth. I was actually numb when we left our appointment. The utter disappointment was overwhelming. And the only image I had playing over and over again in my head was seeing the spine clearly on the monitor. There was a lot to unwrap, but the first for me was how, as a woman, can you be so wrong about your own body. I'm not sure this is a story that's being told because I'm not even sure it's happening that much. I think I actually spoke what I've always thought about myself into reality which is I'm not in tune with my body, and it was confirmed. To be so off on my dates and timing was just...just...just. No words. The appointment was on a Monday and our D&C was scheduled for Friday. I'll let you read between all those lines, but needless to say it was a very long, awkward, weird, agonizing week of living with my truth. Miscarriage. No heartbeat. Starting over. You get it. It's taken me a long time I feel like to really grasp what's happened and the permanent mark its left on my heart. You know how people list off what's happened in their life? Like: 3 kids, 10 moves, 3 homes, a dog, blah blah? I don't need a list, but it is interesting when you do take stock... welcomed 1 spunky adorable little boy, bought a home we love, said goodbye to a dog, said goodbye to a parent, grieved 1.5 miscarriages. Taking stock. Living in your truth. No one talks about having a miscarriage. It's an awkward terrible thing to talk about, but your fellow people - your fellow women - are out here living this alone. Yes, it's personal, but it's just as common as actually having a baby. We have to break the stigma. I've held my own research study and have mentioned it a handful of times in conversation and let. me. tell. you. Muddy waters folks. But it's my truth.

We're moving on and up, and feeling very grateful for our sweet little pumpkin pie that continues to bring so much joy and happiness to our lives. We are blessed. Not hashtag blessed, just the kind that really shines bright from within.

Easter 2019

Whole 30 Round 2 - Week 3

We've made it to week 3 and that hasn't been without a lot of day dreaming about cold beers and rosé that's for sure! I think we've made it through the hard part. One of the things I love about Whole 30 is that it 100% makes us more responsible and disciplined about using all of the food we buy at the grocery store. I don't know if I even want to tell you how much food we would throw out on a regular basis. So without further ado let's jump into an iPhone dump from last week and a look at the week ahead.

Beef and Broccoli Stir Fry over Cauliflower Rice

Super yummy salad!
Grilled Chicken marinated in Tessemae's Zesty Ranch

Chipotle Beef & Avocado Bowls - delish!

Applegate hotdogs, coleslaw and sweet potato fries
I made up the coleslaw and it was awesome!
Leftover bagged coleslaw, compliant mayo, rice wine vinegar, dash mustard

So, let's see what's on the menu this week...

Breakfast and lunches are pretty much the same as the last few weeks. Frittatas for Mr. B and some version of eggs and bacon for me plus these buffalo turkey meatballs with roasted broccoli for lunches.

We started the week off  last night with Zuppa Toscana soup which I love and it was kid approved, so win win! For dinner tonight we had Shrimp and "Grits" or mashed cauliflower in our world and it was delish! I usually make this Southern Living recipe and just modified it to make compliant.

The rest of the week we'll be having pork chops with these green beans, peanut-free chicken satay with baked sweet potatoes, hot dogs with parsnip fries and probably burgers with grilled sweet peppers and this amazing sweet potato salad. Seriously, this may be my favorite thing right now.

A few related food things.. First, I thought this was a good article for those considering Whole30 and considering how it will affect your grocery budget. Second, this was a great documentary about eating whole foods and how it will and can affect your health. It is focused on Paleo which is very similar to Whole 30 minus a few things (sugar!), but still a great look at the benefits of eating whole, real foods.

Lastly, unrelated but how sweet is this little nugget?? Where did my baby go and when did he get so big??

Cheers to feeling good on the INSIDE this week!

Whole 30 Round 2 - Week 2

We've made it through week 1 - YAY! The image above is a reminder of the general outcomes you should be feeling while on the Whole 30 and it was pretty accurate for us. Mid week we both had headaches that felt like hangovers! I'm ready for the tiger blood to set in - so much energy!! Let's do a phone dump for Whole 30 inspiration and a look ahead of this week...

Buffalo Turkey Meatballs, Roasted Broccoli and Tessemae's Ranch

Herb Crusted Salmon with Roasted Brussel Sprouts and Apples

Banana, Raisins and Almond Butter

Leftover Herb Salmon and Egg Scramble

Gotta make it fun somehow!
Lemon La Croix mixed with Pineapple Strawberry La Croix

Saturday Dinner
Grilled Steaks, Roasted Tomatoes and Mushrooms and Carrot and Parsnip Mash

So, what's on the menu this week??

Breakfast | I tried a new breakfast casserole for Mr. B this week. It looks tasty! I'm still obsessed with my hard boiled eggs with hot sauce.

Lunch | The buffalo turkey meatballs from last week were really good, so we're keeping that the same again this week as well. Super yummy!

Dinners | We started the week off last night with this compliant meatloaf and baked sweet potatoes. We love this recipe! Also on the menu this week... Beef and Broccoli Stir Fry with Riced Cauliflower, Grilled Chicken Salads, Chipotle Beef & Avocado Bowls, Pork Chops and Roasted Asparagus, Compliant Hot Dogs and Sweet Potato Fries

Extras | Additional items in our fridge to keep us on track... raisins, bananas, avocados, almond butter, grapes, baby carrots

Cheers to feeling good on the INSIDE!

Why Whole 30?

It's a good question, right? Why restrict myself from that amazing homemade lasagna that I've raved about 300 times and that crisp Blue Moon on a beautiful sunny day along with my fave coffee ice cream to top off an otherwise fantastic weekend?

Let me count thy ways...
heartburn, lack of sleep, dull sunken skin, sluggish, moody, acid reflux... to name a few.

Eating whole nutritious foods shouldn't make your heart feel like it's going to beat out of your chest or swing your moods high and low without sending a notice! Whole foods shouldn't send your blood sugars into the depths of the lands waiting for you to respond by sweating full bullets and crashing down to the floor because your knees gave out just before you were going to stuff your face with a giant sub to calm you down and get back to equilibrium. None of that sounds normal right? No, unless you're eating a truly American diet. Which we are! They don't call it the afternoon lunch slump for nothing! And on top of the physical issues, I swear by Whole 30 because I don't believe there is another diet out there where a clear mind is a result. Thinking clearly alone is reason enough to rid yourself of the processed toxins.

So, we're in 2 full days and I can already tell a difference in my sleep and inflammation. I tell ya it's magic! Rid yourself of the processed sugars, sulfites and junk and you will sleep like a precious little baby. 100% guaranteed. No need for a warranty. 

What is your why? Maybe it isn't the Whole 30, but what gets you up in the morning knowing that you're feeding your body the way it's always needed?

Whole 30 Round 2 - Week 1

Yes, you read that right! Mr. B and I have started our 2nd round of Whole 30 and thank goodness. We were both in need of a reset and the timing is perfect. Today is day 1 and my personal goal is 60 days, but we'll see. Ideally, I see that as a strict Whole 30 for the first half and then a mash up of Whole 30 and Food Freedom the second half straight into the summer months. Here's to hoping it works out that way!

So, what's on the menu this week? And like last time, this is really for my benefit because typing it out makes me accountable for sticking with it. So, thank you to my 2 readers for the accountability group - haha!

Breakfast | Frittatas for Mr. B (quick and easy for on the go) and hard boiled eggs with Franks Red Hot Original and Pederson's compliant bacon for me. I owe my sister for my new obsession with eggs and hot sauce. Go ahead and awake your senses first thing in the morning - you won't regret it!

Coffee | about the only thing that stuck from our first Whole 30 is our Silk Unsweetened Almond Milk. And trust me, this was a big deal for Mr. B! He was a huuuge french vanilla creamer lover to the end, so yay for him!

Dishes | the following will be used for dinner and leftovers for lunch: 
Lemon Garlic Herb Baked Salmon with Roasted Brussel Sprouts
Buffalo Turkey Meatballs with Tessemae's Ranch and Roasted Broccoli
Chicken Tenderloins, Roasted Fennel, Apple, Sweet Potato Sheet Pan Dinner
Egg Roll in a Bowl - duh! a family fave!
Grilled Pork Chops with Tessemae's BBQ Sauce and Roasted Asparagus
Grilled Burgers with Marinated Onions and Parsnip Fries

Extras | Other items in our fridge to keep us on track: celery, raisins, almond butter, bananas, apple slices, baby carrots

So, nothing crazy on our menu this week and for good reason. I want us to be just as successful this time around as we were last time. I already felt overwhelemed with coming up with a menu so I kept it on the straight and narrow while we're getting back into the swing of things.

Is anyone else doing a Whole 30 or just completed one? Let me know down below!

Cheers to feeling great on the INSIDE!