An Essay: Mom Guilt

The day always starts with such sweet tenderness hearing you ask for Mommy and Daddy, singing the ABCs or talking to your bunnies. Dawn is just breaking and the excitement and anticipation for the day is fresh, but work calls and so does rushing out the door. Usually with no time for breakfast - yes, you will eat at school! Guilt. 

We arrive at school and most days you're excited to see your friends. As I walk past the window to your classroom to leave we wave goodbye and blow kisses. It's a short walk back to the car, but even then I start to feel anxious and let my mind wander briefly... What will you do today? Will they love on you like their own? Will you be a good friend? Do you have a friend? Am I doing the right thing leaving you there? Guilt. Some days I get the dreaded call. Usually you've bumped your head and they've applied ice. You'll be ok, but may have a bruise. Guilt. 

After an hours long drive from work, I arrive back at school to pick you up hoping I get a good report from your teacher. Were you a good friend today or did you decide to go beast mode on someone and leave them with a bite? Sometimes the latter. Guilt. Once we're home it's all out until bedtime. Playing. Whining. Sometimes time out. Guilt. Dinner. Was it healthy enough? Guilt. Bath. Playing. Stories. Prayers. Bedtime. 

Once I know you're fast asleep I check on you sleeping so sweet. I just stare at you wondering what did you experience today that I don't know about? Did you have a good day? Did we have enough Mommy and Daddy time? Guilt.  As I lay in bed my heart hurts. When will you start to remember that I got upset at you for not listening? Can I wake you up for just one more kiss? I guess I'll have to wait until dawn breaks. The mom guilt: so unbearably, heartbreakingly palpable all the time. And starts so early.

Friday's Fuel

First off, thank you so much for the outpouring of love from my last post. I honestly feel lighter from finally shedding that and standing in the light. It takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to be honest which has been on my heart recently since watching Brene Brown's Netflix special - The Call to Courage. If you don't know what I'm talking about you must go watch or use your sister's Netflix login. My sister called to tell me I HAD to watch because "you know we're the same, so you're going to love it." And well, darn it, she was right. I laughed and cried. It is amazing. Maybe even transformative. The message is clear - it takes vulnerability to be courageous. To stand in the light. To put yourself in the ring. To show up. To put yourself in uncomfortable situations that allow your true self to grow and shine. It's tough when different seasons of your life are upon you to feel like you aren't just letting life pass you by. I know that's how I'm currently feeling. The day to day can start to be a drag - wake up, rush out, drive an hour, work, work work, drive an hour, rush, eat, sleep. The last few months have left me feeling like maybe I am just taking a back seat. Maybe I do need to be vulnerable and adjust and reassess.  We can't be brave enough to stop letting life pass us by without vulnerability. So, enough about that. Just go watch it!

Let's get to today's Friday Fuel...

one | Speaking of vulnerability and courage I have to shout out 2 girlfriends that are standing in their own light, putting themselves out there and doing the darn thing! First, Jessica who just started a blog - The Honest Truth. She's wearing her heart on her sleeve and doing so beautifully. Go give her blog a read and join her community! And the second shout out is to my girlfriend Lauren who has been building her side hustle of Rodan + Fields into something amazing. Both of these women decided to go outside of their comfort zones and do something for themselves and I see them reaping the rewards from being courageous enough to do so! Go ladies go!

two | Mom truth... Have you ever gotten a call from the preschool to say your child has completely disrobed, diaper and all, and peed on the playground? Well, me either until yesterday. Fun times, fun times. Potty training just escalated to emergency levels.

three | Hi, I'm Anna and I have an addiction to something called an Iced Kong Fusion. It's sweetened black tea, espresso and steamed milk. Seriously don't knock it until you try it. It is amazing and life changing. I know Brene Brown would say so, haha.

four | Has anyone shopped at Target lately? Ever since we moved and are much further away from one I rarely ever go anymore, but I did manage to find my way there last weekend. Wow, ya'll! Some really cute things! I found this suppper cute jumpsuit/romper and some really cute swimsuits for George. They have really upped their game!

five | I love to see what people are buying on Amazon, and recently there have been a lot of really great things that I've added to my Amazon shopping list. Drop a comment below - what have you been buying lately?

one | two | three | four | five | six

Alright lovelies, I've so enjoyed being back in this space with you! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and a very Happy Mother's Day!

xoxo - A

Truth

I've been inspired by a good friend to come back to this space that I love so dearly. Why do I love it so dearly? I've always enjoyed the process. When I was younger I always kept a journal. Recently I've gone back and read some of them and it's interesting to see what was in your heart at that time. I see this space as such and I've been really feeling that void of letting go of what's on my heart. I'm one of those people that turn inward when there is a lot going on in the universe. Some may call it avoid, and yes I would too. Avoid, avoid until it bubbles over. Or avoid, avoid until you're ready to shed. Ready to live your truth.

So, what's been on my heart. Truth. Life. Future. Presence. So many weighty words to be honest. But let's start here: Life. No, not the "life" kind you see on social media. You know where someone just says "ugh, ya know... life" with some asinine emoji. Life as in the literal term. The story begins last September when we thought we were expecting, but ended up having a blighted ovum which is basically just an empty sac. It was shocking at the time and we were disappointed, but I honestly was ok with what had happened. More than anything I felt insensitive to the women who were actually experiencing "real" miscarriages. I almost felt like why would I even say anything because it wasn't "real". Nothing was actually present. Fast forward to March and we thought we were expecting again. I had our confirmation appointment scheduled for weeks. We were obviously nervous, but excited, but nervous, but excited. After getting checked in and going through all the basics with the nurse before going back to the ultrasound room, I honestly had a bad feeling in my gut. It all felt off, but I was trying to stay positive. The bottom line is it's never good news when the doctor calls in for backup support! We did see a fetus, but there was no heartbeat. And to my further surprise, I thought I was only 7 weeks along, but it was actually measuring 12 weeks. Why am I putting this all out there? It's my truth. I was actually numb when we left our appointment. The utter disappointment was overwhelming. And the only image I had playing over and over again in my head was seeing the spine clearly on the monitor. There was a lot to unwrap, but the first for me was how, as a woman, can you be so wrong about your own body. I'm not sure this is a story that's being told because I'm not even sure it's happening that much. I think I actually spoke what I've always thought about myself into reality which is I'm not in tune with my body, and it was confirmed. To be so off on my dates and timing was just...just...just. No words. The appointment was on a Monday and our D&C was scheduled for Friday. I'll let you read between all those lines, but needless to say it was a very long, awkward, weird, agonizing week of living with my truth. Miscarriage. No heartbeat. Starting over. You get it. It's taken me a long time I feel like to really grasp what's happened and the permanent mark its left on my heart. You know how people list off what's happened in their life? Like: 3 kids, 10 moves, 3 homes, a dog, blah blah? I don't need a list, but it is interesting when you do take stock... welcomed 1 spunky adorable little boy, bought a home we love, said goodbye to a dog, said goodbye to a parent, grieved 1.5 miscarriages. Taking stock. Living in your truth. No one talks about having a miscarriage. It's an awkward terrible thing to talk about, but your fellow people - your fellow women - are out here living this alone. Yes, it's personal, but it's just as common as actually having a baby. We have to break the stigma. I've held my own research study and have mentioned it a handful of times in conversation and let. me. tell. you. Muddy waters folks. But it's my truth.

We're moving on and up, and feeling very grateful for our sweet little pumpkin pie that continues to bring so much joy and happiness to our lives. We are blessed. Not hashtag blessed, just the kind that really shines bright from within.

Easter 2019